She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
