I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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