if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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