need another drink. this is the easiest way
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
