I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
