The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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