Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
