Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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