as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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