On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
