There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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