me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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