Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
