I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Less talking, more tequila
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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