if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
