Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You may now shotgun with the bride
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
