I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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