you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
