So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
