Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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