this just has baby written all over it
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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