they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
