I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
