We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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