I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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