I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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