He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
