An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
