You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
