i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
