i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
