My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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