I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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