Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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