he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And my parents said I crawled through the house
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
