alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
