she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
