i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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