I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Boobs speak an international language.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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