if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
