I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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