I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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