i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
