i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
