I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
