So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i will never coherently bang her
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
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i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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