My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
