i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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