At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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