I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
