All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
