Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
