can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
