I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
