I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize