Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
