someone threw a dead crab at me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
