I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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