I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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