I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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