I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
