My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ๐๐#pensacolaproblems
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think heโs a keeper.
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